Log in

No account? Create an account

Previous Entry | Next Entry

Editing, &c.

Yet-Untitled Ranma/Bleach Crossover
Author: C2t2
Chapter Summary: Hollow attacks Ranma; Ranma Passes Out

Note: It’s been so long I had to post something! A bitty teaser for one of my many Ranma fics (which – fair warning – I never seem able to finish). It needs some seriously heavy editing and rough handling before it’s in less embarrassing condition...


All I wanted was a freakin vacation.

The ground shook as meter-wide footprints appeared in the dirt around Ranma’s battered body. An eerie screech came from the Thing above him, sounding from somewhere far distant and alien beyond Ranma’s experience (It's ambiguous whether this is modifying the eerie screech or the far distant somewhere from which the eerie screech originated. Am also not quite sure what you mean to say by "alien beyond Ranma's experience", do you mean "Alien to Ranma's experience" -- i.e. unfamiliar -- or alien to a degree exceeding any Ranma had previously experienced?). He futilely tried to focus (Move the fact that he fails to the end of the sentence. If you know an action's futile from the outset, it's a lot harder to be interested in it.) on the beast through the concussion. The damn thing had been hard to see before it had brained him. The creature could only be seen in glimpses. (Consider rewriting in active voice so as to keep focus on Ranma) Its body was only discernable by the warp in the air around it, like a heat mirage in the summer. The ginormous footprints proved it was no mirage, (Tighten connection to previous sentence, either by adding conjunctions (but, however) or rephrasing second sentence...somehow. Not sure really what I'm advising here, but think that as stands the contrast between the mirage simile and the fact that it definitely isn't a mirage is kind of muted.) as did the stone-shattering blows that Ranma couldn’t sense until an instant before they hit. (Any way you can make this its own sentence? Think previous one works better if "stone-shattering blows" is left unqualified.) He had managed to avoid taking a fatal blow, but didn’t have enough time to dodge or deflect them completely, and the damage was adding up fast.

This isn’t working...

Ranma was skilled at fighting blind, but he couldn’t feel their ki, or whatever Blur-Blobs used in place of ki.

“Fine. Let’s play invisible!” Ranma rolled to his feet, and concentrating the shreds of his will, vanished into the Umisenken.

Shit. Now what?

Umisenken was exhausting to hold, not to mention forbidden. But at least the Plasma-Blob Monster seemed unable (Though not strictly speaking wrong, I think using unable sets the sentence up as a dichotomy, a dichotomy with which you don't follow through. Instead you end with "as well," suggesting a sort of pinpointy-ability-gradient-thing. I'd rephrase.) to pinpoint his location as well.

He had tried Mouko Takabisha, which somehow had only made the damn thing stronger. Ranma couldn’t see it clearly enough to guess at any vulnerable points on its body, and suspected it had more than the usual number of limbs, most of which had probably clubbed him over the head by now. His lunch was begging to see daylight.

The Wavy Demon-Ghostie couldn’t know his exact location, but it still seemed to be drawn to him somehow.

Lovely. Could this get any worse? ...Oh shit. I didn’t mean to think that, oh please please please no…

But true to the laws of irony that ruled his life that govern the universe (Rephrase for universality that matches "laws", if you want to keep it "his life" change to "governing his life" so that it at least sounds ongoing.), three more wavering forms appeared around him accompanied by unearthly cries, just as Ranma was forced to drop the Umisenken from sheer exhaustion. He could see the distorted world through the bodies shimmer in and out like a hallucination.

Oh, what the hell? If I’m using forbidden techniques, I might as well go all out.


Yamasenken’s vacuum blades tore into the unseen monsters who had absorbed his Mouko Takabisha like a delicious feast(Not sure how well food similes work with the verb "absorbed" leading them.) and played ping-pong with his cranium. Another eerie wail and the forms disappeared into whatever hell they had come from.

Ranma stumbled and leaned heavily on the fence between the road and the river and retched. Ugh! Even Ucchan’s okonomiyaki didn’t taste very good the second time. But it sure was a hell of a lot better than any of the nuclear waste Akane summoned with her unholy powers of foul cooking. Ranma realized his thoughts were becoming more and more unclear. (Possible to reverse this? "Less and less clear" or "more and more muddled" or something? Anything to amputate the "un-".)

The cool grass felt heavenly against his abused body and lying flat on his back seemed to soothe his protesting stomach.

“Interesting. What do we have here?” came a male voice as something heavy settled on his chest. Ranma struggled to open his eyes and immediately regretted doing so as he came eye to eye with a small but extremely heavy… “CAAAAAT!!!”

Ranma barely even had time to scream before the darkness closed in.


Canon Refresher Note: Ranma’s Attacks
Umisenken and Yamasenken are martial arts styles created by Ranma’s father.
-Yamasenken uses loud shouting and violent attacks to blast through an opponent’s defenses.
-Umisenken erases all signs of the martial artist’s presence, allowing him to strike invisibly and bypass defenses.
-Moukou Takabisha is a fairly ordinary energy blast. Hollows find it nummy, but Yamasenken’s vacuum blades have no reiatsu to ‘eat’.